I don’t consider myself the most grateful human on the face of the earth -that would be my dad. Looking back to the better part of last year and years before that, I hardly ever practiced gratitude. Most of the time, I used to think of how a situation could be better, where I’ve fallen short and all the things going wrong. I barely ever took the time to breathe and appreciate what I have, where I’m blessed or fortunate or even what has gone right. This took a toll on my mental and made me somewhat a Negative Nancy and I always felt like I’m running out of time. I don’t have this, I don’t have that, I’m not making enough money, I’m already 21 and I have nothing to show for it. These were the thoughts haunting me every day.
I was at my lowest. My home was dirty and untidy, I’d spend the majority of the day sleeping or being lazy and unproductive and when I’d wake up to work, (cause you know ya girl gotta get that bag) I would put so much pressure on myself and beat myself up for a small shortcoming. At that time I was selling food at school either when we had stalls behind the cafeteria, or delivering packed lunches daily and I was also doing weekly meal prep for clients every Sunday.
My sister once told me that I barely cry and while I thought that was an exaggeration, now I see her point. During that time I used to fake it till I made it. If you were around me then, chances are you didn’t know how much I was struggling. I always kept a warm face with a warm ‘thank you for buying from me & enjoy’ smile. After a long day I’d go home and literally sink into our pallet seats or bed. My partner did notice though. I remember one day he told me ‘Have you ever noticed that every time your things backfire and you beat yourself up you did it in a bad mood?’ Dude. It was true! That statement was quite the eye opener and I decided to take more time to breathe and practice meditation, well at least as much as I could.
Fast forward to COVID times and I decided to move back home because I didn’t think it was fair to ask my dad to keep paying rent and I’m not going to school. Plus also I thought it was the most considerate and non-selfish thing I could do. Over that dark time, my relationship with my dad, who had always been my bestie, was quite shaky. I couldn’t understand when he’d tell me that I’m hustling too much. I always had my defenses up and thought he wasn’t being supportive while in reality he was one of the most supportive people I had in my life. Later, I understood exactly what he meant but that’s a story for another day.
Coming back home and online school meant that I didn’t sell food in school anymore. My clients also took a break because COVID and people were super afraid when it first began. The relief and rest I experienced was SO DAMN SATISFYING!!
I could breathe without thinking about the next business idea or the next way I could make money. Now that my head was clearer, I had more time for self-care either in the form of organizing spaces, body care, reading books, crafting and taking my time to learn my craft. Sometimes I’d sit and observe my surroundings and one thing that struck me was how full of gratitude my dad was and how because of that he was very content and calm. I never understood how something bad would happen and this man still found a reason to be thankful. It was wild. So I tried emulating that example. Obviously I wasn’t always grateful, but I had really improved from how ungrateful I was.
I sat more with him trying to learn from him and understand where this grateful spirit came from. He once reminded me that gratitude is kind of like a muscle. You need to exercise it until it becomes second nature. So I began saying thank you to myself, to the universe and to the people around me. Every morning as I planned my day and wrote in my daily planner, I made sure to include 3 things I was grateful for. Before I knew it, gratitude was a part of me. And when I tell you energy is real, please believe me. When I was a Negative Nancy, all I would attract is more things to complain about and more struggles and stress. However, when I began practicing gratitude, I began attracting more things to be grateful for like abundance, opportunities, humans, experiences and more. To put it simply, the universe kind of operates like the social media algorithm, the energy you give off (the content you engage with) is what you’ll get more of. So this is your sign to try practicing gratitude no matter how hard it may seem or how little there seems to be grateful for, keep at it until it’s rooted.
That's all I had for today! Love you honeys!
